I have cancer
by damandabear 2
Summary: Mulder learns of Scully's cancer in Momento Mori, but something is missing: When does he apologize for how he treated her in Never Again? Should he tell her how he feels? Rated T for language.


**The X-Files: "I Have Cancer" **

**By Amanda Smith**

**Spoilers: "Leonard Betts," "Never Again," and "Momento Mori"**

**Chapter 1 ****_"Bad News"_**

(Verbatim to episode in this chapter)

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1997

HOLY CROSS MEMORIAL HOSPITALWASHINGTON, DC

Mulder walks down hallway with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. "Oncology?" he asks one of the nurses in passing--"Thanks." Once in the x-ray room, he sees Scully there. "Scully?" he says tenderly, nervously holding up the bouquet. "I uh, stole these from some guy with a broken leg down the hall. He uh, won't be able to catch me…" His nerves are eating away at him, and he can barely hide the fear in his voice. "How ya doing?"

"I guess that's the question," she shrugs. "Actually I feel fine."

"What uh, what exactly are we looking at here?"

She looks sadly into his eyes, knowing how this news will affect him, and dreading it."It's what's called a nasopharengeal mass. It's a small growth between the superior conchea and the sinoidal sinus."

"A growth?"

"A tumor… You're the only one I've called."

Mulder furrows his brow in concern. "Is it operable?"

"No."

"But it's treatable," he tries, desperate for some good news.

"The truth is that the type and placement of the tumor make it difficult, to the extreme."

His heart falls into his stomach, and suddenly nothing in the world seems as important to him as making her better--keeping his partner alive. "I refuse to believe that, I…"

"For all times I have said that to you," she interrupts with a humorless, anxious grin at the floor, "I am as certain of this as you have ever been. I have cancer. It is a mass on the wall between my sinus and cerebrum. If it pushes into my brain, statistically there is about zero chance of survival."

"I don't accept that. Th-there must be some people who have received treatment for this, we…can…"

Scully notes his terror, and though she is relieved to see how much he truly does care about her, she doesn't like seeing him in this state--so scared and panic-stricken. "Yes there are."

**Chapter 2 ****_"Apologies"_**

(No longer verbatim)

"Scully?" His arm shivers as he reaches for her shoulder, and when he notices, he lets it fall to his side.

"Yeah?"

"About the other week…"

"Mulder, don't…please," she insists, waving a hand to clear the air.

"No, Scully, I have to say this." In his weak voice, Mulder attempts to sound as confident as his words. "I was a jerk--an ass, really--and the way I treated you… I want you to know that I don't think of you that way."

"What way?" she asks curiously with one eyebrow crooked.

"That you work for me." He clears his throat awkwardly and goes on to say, "Sometimes I just get so involved in my work, and you were right when you said that it has become your life. I should have never…" Scully slips the x-rays back into the manila envelope and tucks them under her arm, staring at the floor the whole time. Then, out of nowhere, he takes her chin in his hand and gently raises it so that he can see directly into her eyes. "I should have never made you feel inferior or unappreciated."

"It's okay; I understand that these cases are all you live for and care about--"

"No," he says matter-of-factly, shaking his head, "they aren't, though."

"No?"

"Scully, I used to wonder how much more I could accomplish without you contradicting everything I say, and I soon realized how important you are to helping me prove even what little we do…but it's more than just that." Her eyes flood without spilling tears. "You keep me sane; if it wasn't for you, who knows where I'd be right now."

"I have an idea," she teases, the salty droplets finally deciding to make their way down her cheeks, leaving glossy trails behind.

"I'm sure you do," he chuckles. "But, Scully, even then, I didn't realize just how much you mean to me. Not until just a minute ago."

"Does this mean I get my own desk?"

Mulder opens his mouth to answer but chokes on his words when he remembers the last response he had on the subject. "If you want your own desk, I'm sure it will fit."

"Oh, no…I was just kidding, Mulder…besides, that had never really been the point. It was the principle of it, y'know…but that doesn't matter now." She starts to walk away, and under her breath, she adds, "It's not like it will be worth the trouble to get it down there for the amount of time I'll be around to use it."

By no means does Scully intend for her partner to hear this comment of self-pity, but he does, and he is taken aback by its implication. His knees weaken, and he knows that if he doesn't make a move to follow her out, he will collapse right there…so he urges himself to walk--one step at a time.

**Chapter 3 ****_"Thoughts"_**

THAT NIGHT

MULDER'S APARTMENT

Sulking in his apartment, Mulder stares at the blank screen on the TV. Never in his life did he think his partner would get cancer… Abducted? Sure--in fact, she has… But who would have thought cancer? It's amazing really, Scully wanting to investigate an illness that any civilian would believe impossible to blame on anyone but the victim--or simple "bad luck". _Disgusting that these men would do this to her just because she is my partner!_

He rocks his body forward, gruffly getting up from the couch, and walks just as irritably to the kitchen. The refrigerator would have opened smoothly if he had allowed it to do so, but he doesn't give a shit. Mulder jerks it open and grabs a beer with such aggression he could scream. _These files really have become her life…all because of me. God, if it wasn't for me, she would have never been abducted, her sister would be alive, and Scully would be…happy._ He takes a deep breathe through his nose and blows the air out his mouth slowly. _Happy--not fucking dying._ He saunters back to the couch and falls heavily onto the cushion. Using his shirt to open the beer, he tosses the cap aimlessly behind him and takes a sip. _Why did I have to talk to her like that? All she wanted was a break while I was away. "Maybe we could play Battleship." I'm surprised she didn't just leave--but she's not like that. No. She did those background checks: "Like I was told," she had said. _He rubs his hand down his face and lets it linger over his mouth, covering it in thought.

_Like she was told._

_And then she almost gets killed by that lunatic, and what do I say? What does the fucking genius say? "All this because I wouldn't get you a desk?" First I practically tell her that this is what she gets for trying to live her own life, and then I have the audacity to make it all about me? _Mulder takes a larger sip of the beer, hoping it will ease the painful lump in his throat--the same lump that he gets whenever he is trying not to cry. _Why her, though? Of all the people Duane Barry could have chosen, why her? Of all the people in the world who get cancer, why did it have to be her?_ He empties the last of the bottle's contents with these questions whirling in his head, and after another deep breath, Mulder gets up to get a second drink.

Two leads to three, and three leads to four. Old questions lead to new questions, and all questions lead to thoughts of the future. He sees himself, sitting at her bedside, holding her hand with his own trembling hands. _She tries to smile at him but can't, and as he watches his fingers stroke her thin, discolored skin, he feels her arm become heavy. His face twists into an expression of rage, devastation, and fear all at once, and suddenly he begins to sob._ Come back, _he begs, mentally trying to will her back to life. "Scully, please… Scully? Scully!"_

"Scully!" He wakes up with a start and is startled to find she is comforting him in her arms. "Scully?" he questions in disbelief. He pulls out of her embrace to see that it is really her, sitting on the couch in front of him, and her face displays concern and embarrassment. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm s-sorry," she stutters. "I knocked, but when you didn't answer, I got scared and let myself in."

"Were you worried about me? Is that why you're here?" His words are almost bitter, but Mulder manages to control his emotions, especially his temper, but he's angrier with himself for how pathetic he seems than he is at her for entering the apartment on her own.

"I was stopping by because--" Scully bites down on her lip; then her shoulders slump in defeat. "I don't know why I came…I just felt like it, I guess." Her discomfort touches his heart, and to make her feel better, he attempts an understanding smile. She returns half of it before leaning back against the couch. "You were dreaming."

"I figured that out," he replies uneasily, mimicking her action. "How much did you hear?"

"The only time you spoke was when you screamed out my name just as you awakened."

"Oh… And you were already sitting there?"

"No. I was checking your pulse," she murmurs quietly. He turns to look at her, and she shrugs without looking back at him. "I saw the empty bottles; you were so still, I just couldn't…tell." Now she faces him. "I had just felt a pulse when you said my name and sat up--right into my arms. I figured you had had a nightmare because you were shaking so bad, so I…I just wanted to make you feel safe."

"But--" he starts sheepishly, "I _was _safe. It was…"

"Me?" He nods subtly. "I thought so. I was afraid how this would affect you, Mulder. Although, I still don't think you felt safe." _Because I know you don't feel safe without me._

"You're not wrong."

"But I'm not right either?" she presses.

"You _are_ right." Mulder shifts closer to the arm of the couch and puts his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. "Dana, I don't know how to handle this."

_Dana…_ "Well, it will be a long time before you have to worry about that," she offers.

"Not long enough." _Not long enough for me to admit how I feel and actually enjoy what we could have together. Not long enough for me to prove you are the only woman I have ever cared this deeply about._

"You aren't alone in feeling that way, y'know."

"What?"

"That it's not going to be long enough."

"Oh." _You probably don't even feel the same way about me. I guess I _am_ alone in feeling _that_ way._

"God, Mulder… It really doesn't seem fair, does it." _Especially since I spent the last three and a half years following you, respecting you…loving you…and you will never know just how much I care about you._

"No, it doesn't." _Life never is fair._

"I used to think I had years to figure out what I want, or rather to accomplish it." _A family._ "But, you know what?" she sighs. "It's not like I'm going to die tomorrow. And people live with cancer for years--sometimes."

_I hope so. Because once you're gone, I might as well be too._ "Scully?"

"Yeah?"

He considers telling her--right here, right now--but can't. "I will find your cure."

"_You_ will cure cancer?" she can't help but chuckle. But his eyes are serious, and his heart is desperate.

"If it means saving your life, then yes…_I_ will cure cancer."

**Chapter 4 ****_"Truth"_**

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13

SCULLY'S APARTMENT

_They are all dead, and I'm the only one left. It's up to me to change my fate--and I know Mulder has been trying. He saved me, for now anyway. My doctor--all of their doctor--is somehow behind this, and now he is missing. Oh well… It's not like I can't say it surprises me…or that I'm not used to it by now._

_I'm finally starting to feel like myself again, and even though Mulder has been acting suspiciously quiet around me lately, I have a feeling that he'll be back to normal, too, in no time._

_What day is it again? Oh yes…Thursday. And to think that it wasn't all that long ago that I had no idea. I still wouldn't know if it hadn't been for Leonard Betts. What a case that was!_

Scully is shuffling through some papers, getting herself ready for their next case: "A Marine Corps prisoner of war, abandoned in Vietnam by his superiors, has returned to the United States with a vengeance--and a special talent for hiding in plain sight," she reads. "Hmmm… That should be fun."

_Knock!…Knock, Knock!_

"I'm coming!" _Hold your horses…_ "Mulder--"

"I need to tell you something," he mutters, pushing the door further open as he barges past her. "And you might want to sit down for this."

"Is everything okay?"

He wants to tell her so many things, but the main thing that's not "okay"--the thing she deserves to know the most--he can't tell her. He won't ruin her hopes of motherhood if it won't even change anything. This, however, he will tell her. _Wait--what if I ruin everything we already have? Am I really willing to risk it all for this? I don't even know if she feels the same way! What if she doesn't? What if this _does_ ruin everything?_

"Mulder?"

She is already sitting, and still waiting for her answer. _She doesn't know how alarmed to be or for who, and here I am debating with myself!_ "Dana…"

She feels a grimace sweep across her face._ "Dana" again? This must not be good._

"I don't really know how to say this, but I can't help but feel that you deserve to hear it just as much as I deserve to finally let it be heard."

She doesn't know what that means, but she listens anyway, nodding to him for encouragement. "Go on."

"I don't even know if you feel the same way, but on the off-chance that you do…I love you." He watches as she bites her lip, and her eyes turn sad. "You don't feel the same way, do you." Mulder bows his head in shame.

"No…it's not that…" He looks up at her questioningly.

"I don't understand. You _do_ or _don't_ feel the same way?" His nervous expression touches her heart.

"That's not really the point, Mulder; but for the sake of at least answering your question, I do."

Trying desperately to hold in his excitement, he asks, "Well, if that's not the point, then what is?"

"The truth is I don't want to encourage this if it's only going to end up hurting you more…in the end."

"But I would regret it more if we never get to have anything at all. Don't you see, Dana? It's like the saying: 'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'"

"The only people who truly believe that are those who have never lost."

"Don't you _dare_ give me that bullshit!" Mulder sweeps an angry hand across a desk, knocking a stack of papers to the floor. "Don't you think that I would know? I _have_ fucking **lost**! Remember?" Scully pulls her legs up in front of her and hugs her knees as tears begin to stream down her cheeks. "And you! Could you ever look me in the eyes and say you would rather to have never had Melissa as a sister given what you know now? Knowing that you'd lose her, too?"

"Mulder--"

"No, Scully! You can't make me believe that I'd be better off never having known you or never having been with you." Suddenly, his voice drops to a little more than a whisper. "God, Dana…I _love_ you. I'm fucking _in love_ with you. Please don't deprive me of the one thing I want most in this God-forsaken world just because it may not last forever."

"I'm sorry…and I _do_ understand…really, I do. It's just that if I can protect you from additional heartache, let me. Mulder, I just don't want you to get hurt."

He sits down next to her and puts his hand on her thigh. "I appreciate that." She looks up to find him smiling at her, so she smiles back. Mulder's eyes fall to her lips and his gaze lasts just long enough that Scully gets uncomfortable and looks away.

"You should go."

"Did I do something wrong?"

She stares at the floor and shakes her head. "Not yet."

Then he leers, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Fine. Let's pretend for a moment that I do…" Scully stands and crosses her arms in front of her, waiting to hear whatever he has to say. "Give me one good reason why it would be wrong."

"I'll give you two," she declares. "Our partnership and the bureau."

"Well, I count those as one reason, and what _they_ don't know, won't hurt us."

"They'd separate us, Mulder. If anyone were to ever find out, they'd use it against us, and once they know, there will be no stopping them!"

"Shhh…" He stands and unfolds her arms so that he can take her hands in his. "Like I said, they don't have to know." One by one, he drops her hands onto his shoulders, and she holds the back of his neck loosely. "Any other reasons you can think of for why we shouldn't be together?"

"No," she whispers.

"Then, do you still want me to go?"

"No. I never really did."

Mulder ducks his head and captures her lips with his. Her grip tightens around his neck as he lets his hands glide up and down her sides. It isn't long before her hands find their way up his shirt and remove it, only encouraging him more to get her shirtless as well. (That doesn't take long either.) He also gets her braless, pantless, and pantiless by the time they make it to the bed. Mulder pleasures her in everyway he knows possible while she lies in front of him, and just as she starts to beg for his entrance, he helps her sit up so she could finish unclothing him. "I love you so much," he gasps as she begins to pleasure him back.

**Chapter 5 ****_"Morning"_**

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14

"Good morning," Mulder murmurs into his lover's ear, awakening her.

"Hmmm…good morning."

"Do you know what today is?"

"I know we have work today," she says groggily through a yawn as she pulls the covers up to her neck and buries her head in his chest. "What time is it?"

"We have plenty of time, but that's not what I was talking about. Today is Valentine's Day."

Scully looks up at him with skewed eyebrows and a less than romantic look on her face. "Are you serious?"

"How appropriate is that?" he grins, pulling her close again.

"Very," she shrugs. Then she holds his face and kisses his lips. "I guess last night was an early gift to each other." His grin spreads even wider, and his eyes almost disappear behind his cheeks.

"I'd say it was too, but looking at the clock, I'd also say that there's still time for us to exchange another gift of the similar kind before we have to get ready for work."

"Oh, really?"

"Uh-huh," he winks. Mulder leans forward to nip her ear and lick her neck. "What do you say?"

Scully just looks at him. Her gaze meets his in an unblinking passion, touching something deep within her sole. "Mulder, I could make love to you everyday for the rest of my life." Suddenly, Mulder draws back. "What?"

"Nothing…I just--"

"Was it something I said?"

"I can't live without you, Dana…and I'm sorry, but I don't really feel like making love now. Can I just hold you until it's time to get up?"

"Of course," she insists, internally lecturing herself for her insensitivity.

For the next hour, he holds her with such affection and such possessiveness that it breaks her heart. She knew this would be a problem, and his protective grip around her waist only seems to confirm her original feelings toward a sexual relationship. Who knows how much longer she has, and now he will have to deal with not only the loss of a partner and good friend, but a lover too. She aches for him and wishes she could prevent such torture for the man she so desperately loves. He deserves to be happy, but with her, he only has devastation in his future.

**Chapter 5 ****_"Secrets"_**

FBI HEADQUARTERS

"Scully, please stop worrying about me. I told you that what happened this morning was just a moment of weakness. It won't always be like that."

"Mulder, I think you're missing the point here--"

"I need to speak with you, Agent Scully," interrupts a voice from the open basement office door. The assistant director disappears before the startled agents could even see him, but, nevertheless, Scully drops her papers on the desk and leaves.

"We'll continue this discussion later," Mulder calls as the door closes behind her.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Agent Scully, thank you for coming up." Scully sits in the chair facing her boss's desk. "I called you into my office to inquire you about the investigation concerning your health. I hope you don't mind."

"No, sir, I don't mind you asking, but I'm afraid we haven't found any more information since I gave you our report. And honestly, I'm just trying to get back into the rhythm of things."

"I completely understand…but if there's anything I could ever do to help, just let me know."

"Thank you, sir." Scully starts for the door, but Skinner stops her.

"Agent Scully…this may not be any of my business, but I overheard a portion of the conversation you were having with Agent Mulder when I went to get you."

"Sir, I can explain--"

"I was just going to ask for your opinion on how Mulder's holding up. I can only imagine what you are going though, but I worry about him too, as your partner and friend. He cares such a great deal about you, so…I'm just concerned." Scully nods without knowing quite what to say. "I guess what I'm asking is should I recommend to him that he talk to someone?"

"Sir, I think only Agent Mulder knows the answer to that."

"Off the record?" he blurts just as she turns again.

"I don't know what he needs--or will need--sir, but…" She inhales deeply, trying to control her emotions. "…but I'm worried about him too. If something happens to me, I don't want him ruining his life trying to save me only to find out he can't. And suppose I end up like Penny and the rest of those women." Her knees start to go weak, so she sits down in the chair again. "Sir, off the record, I am _very_ concerned. Perhaps it would be best if he talks to someone. All I know is he won't talk unless he can be guaranteed the conversation will remain confidential."

"Is there something going on between you two that I should know about, agent?"

Scully's face fades to pale then blushes to a nervous pink all in a matter of split seconds, returning to normal just in time to answer the assistant director. Her sudden sore throat threatens a wavering voice, but instead, her words project in a solid, confident tone. "No, sir."

"What'd he want?"

"To know how you are doing, and if there is any new information regarding my cancer."

"What'd you say?"

"That there is no new information."

Scully sits down on the corner of Mulder's desk with her arms crossed, and he swivels his chair around to face her. "I meant about me. What did you tell him about me?"

"I told him that I didn't feel comfortable speaking on your behalf, and that only you know what is best for yourself right now." She looks from the floor to his eyes and cocks her eyebrow. "Should I have answered differently?" Mulder holds her knees and shakes his head. "He heard us talking, y'know."

"Oh?" Mulder cringes.

"Uh-huh…but he doesn't suspect anything…not anymore, anyway."

"Did he ask?"

"Yeah, but I told him that our relationship is only professional, of course. Purely plutonic." Scully pushes Mulder's hands off of her legs. "But that means we have to be careful. We have to watch what we do and say."

"Starting now?"

"Yes…starting now."

**Chapter 6 ****_"Last Days"_**

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1997

TRINITY HOSPITAL EMERGENCY MEDICAL UNIT  
WASHINGTON, DC

"Dana, I need to talk to you," Mulder whispers, poking his head into her hospital room. Scully nods tiredly, and he quietly closes the door behind him. "I need to talk to you about this chip I suggested you have put back into your neck. I need to know that it is _your_ decision--and that you're not just doing it because I want you to."

"Mulder," she says weakly, "I have no other options. I want to try and see if this works."

"Okay."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah…it's just…"

"What?"

"It's your brother--"

"Bill? What about him? What did he say to you?"

"Doesn't matter. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't pushing you into anything." Mulder takes her fingers in his and rubs his thumb across the back of her hand. _She tries to smile at him but can't, and as he watches his fingers stroke her thin, discolored skin, he feels her arm become heavy._ A tear glides down his cheek before he even realizes he's crying.

"Mulder?"

"It's nothing!" he snaps, dropping her hand and turning away. Despite his refusal to admit it, visions from his most popular reoccurring dream come flowing back to him like a flashflood_. His face twists into an expression of rage, devastation, and fear all at once, and suddenly he begins to sob._ "_Come back_," _he begs, mentally trying to will her back to life. She doesn't respond to his voice, and her body lies completely still. Mulder combs his fingers through her soft hair, tucking a stray lock behind her still warm ear--the same ear he would kiss whenever he wanted to soften her up or turn her on. Her eyes, half open and lifeless, are the same eyes he would get lost in while he made love to her. Their transition pains his heart so much that he uses his gentle touch to close them._

_Now she looks peaceful, as though she is only sleeping. He leans over her bed and lays his head down on her stomach, his tears soaking her bed sheet and his hands clutching her body as he begins to sob uncontrollably. She is gone. Actually gone. He has been trying to prepare himself for this day, but nothing he could have ever done would have been enough to dull the monstrous ache within his throat and stomach. He feels as though a part of him is physically missing, like his sole has been snatched from his chest by the bare hand of the fiery devil himself. What reason does he have to live now? What could he possibly accomplish without her? And even if he does accomplish all his original goals in life, what does he have waiting for him? His everything is gone, and as long as she is dead, emotionally, he will cease to exist._

His tormenting thoughts are interrupted by a hand on his shoulder, and though she doesn't mean to startle him, he jumps. He hadn't heard Scully calling his name--her voice laced with genuine concern--but when he sees her standing before him his sobs transform from sadness to joy. "Mulder, I'm really worried about you."

"You shouldn't be up," he utters under his breath.

"And you should have taken Skinner's advice."

"What? The whole talking to a psychologist thing? Telling some stranger why I'm upset that my partner is _dying_, but not being able explain the real issue?"

"I already told you it would be confidential." Mulder brushes her off in his paranoid fashion, "Damn it, Mulder!" All of a sudden, her anger toward his self-pitying antagonistic ways sends her into a coughing attack, and Mulder rushes to her side just in time to catch her. He strokes her face and lays her back in the bed. "Promise me you won't force yourself to go through this alone," she pleads.

Tears sting his eyes, but he doesn't let them escape this time. "Dana, why do you even have to leave me." He bows his head to hide his face, but she squeezes his hand--as much as she could, anyway. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be putting this on you. If this is either of our fault, it's mine. Not yours."

"You can't blame yourself, Mulder." Her eyes close as she fights to draw in a breath. "I love you so much, and I'm worried about you. I'm so afraid of what might happen to you if you bottle up everything you're feeling."

"I'll promise to talk to a shrink if you do something for me."

"Anything within my capabilities, of course." She smiles warmly, but it fades fast.

"Talk to your brother. If nothing changes, I'm sure I can live with that…but I would really like it if he didn't believe that the reason you back me up when you do is because you feel obligated to do so."

"Oh, Mulder--"

"Can you do that for me?"

She nods and brings his hand to her lips. "Yes, I can do that for you."

"Then I will go find a good shrink." He winks at her and grins.

**Chapter 7 ****_"Death"_**

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1997

MULDER'S APARTMENT

_Someone died today. Someone I've known for a long time. Blevins._

_Meanwhile, Scully's cancer is in remission, and soon everything should be back to normal. She talked to her brother, and I talked to a shrink just like we both promised each other we would, but despite her attempt, her brother's opinion of me hasn't much changed._ Mulder holds Scully tightly in his arms as they lay on his couch.

**A/N: hey guys...don't get too used to me being back, but i did want to dl this  
story...so let me know what u think! Thanks much!**


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